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Ten Outfits That Are Bound To Make You Look Fat

1. Shirt dresses – Shirt Dresses are a bad bad idea. Shirt Dresses, as opposed to how they are popularly advertised, do not make you look more attractive! No. What they do do, is they mess up the smooth flow that a dress should give and have that odd hem which looks like you’re wearing your boyfriend’s shirt SUCH a bad idea. I mean no one should have invented the shirt dress. Ugh.

2. Bright turtlenecks – Colorful is what I call bright turtlenecks. Yes. Only good for being used as drapery around the house when your blind mother-in-law comes to visit. This is an atrocity that never should have been invented. White, black, and gray are the only colors that turtle necks should be worn in. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).

3. Leather pants – Leather Pants?! The eighties were like 30 ears ago! Who could possibly pull off leather pants(besides Kate Moss)? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!

4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As we discussed before- you’re probably not stick thin, meaning you do have boobs. So sweetie, don’t bother trying to suck in all your fat with a thick belt. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.

5. Handbags as big as luggage: It seems that since airports are putting a limit to the size of your carry-on, you decide to stuff everything else in a humungous bag. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).

6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.

7. Round eyewear: Yes. Once again, unless you have a bony, angular Kate Moss shaped face, please don’t wear these round atrocities!

8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. You will most likely topple over, break your ankle and have to walk around in a plaster for the next six weeks.

9. Tube tops and bustiers: Bustiers are just ew – unless you are Lady Gaga(are you Lady Gaga?). Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.

10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing New Body Shaper. Otherwise following Michael Jackson’s white coat-black jeans style isn’t gonna fly. Just become someone was stupid enough to invent them, doesn’t mean you have to wear white pants. Let’s not even get into the white shoes, that’s another post all together. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest advice on how ‘not to look chunky’